Sleeping Beauty
by Mird
Summary: So how are you guys handling chapter 104? Personally, I'm offended. Why wasn't I invited to the country-wide sleepover? You know, the one where they all fell asleep at exactly the same time. Warning: the deadline hates me.


**Dammit. This fic is so late. Chapter 105 is almost out. :/**

**Also, FFF, WHY IS THIS FIC SO LAME? DEADLINES USED TO BE MY FRIENDS. I can write a 50,000 word NOVEL in a month, but a short fanfic is just TOO MUCH for me, hmm?!**

Sleeping Beauty

"Why is it so quiet?" Ed asked as the antagonist was swallowed into a plot hole and disappeared for the purpose of this fic retaining humor.

"Everyone's dead," said Hohenheim. "But Arakawa has this really epic plot twist hidden away and everyone's just _itching_ to get at it--"

"Idiot," muttered Izumi. "Fool. Moron. Other offensive words. Just because everyone in the country was just killed, you think they're _dead_? You twits! Dunces, blockheads, boneheads! (1) _They aren't dead!_"

"Oh," said Ed. "Then what are they?"

"Not penguins."

"I know."

"Good."

"You know, brother," Al said, because Al is the youngest and is therefore immature and believes in fairy tales and Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and Miley Cyrus fans and other ridiculous myths like that. "I read this story called Sleeping Beauty. Everyone in the castle fell asleep, but then a prince came and kissed the princess and they all woke up."

"You're right!" said Ed. "And since it exists, it can be linked to our plot! Great idea!"

"What?" said Hohenheim. "They're all asleep? That sounds like a plothole."

"Shut up, old man. You're a walking plothole." (1)

"All right!" said Al. "Let's go do some more not-funny things so that Mird can post this fic before chapter 105 comes out on onemanga and ruins the joke!"

A deep moan of kawaii-desu-angst came from behind them.

"My eyes..." Roy groaned. "I... No... I can't see... I'm blind... Riza's gone..."

"Tch. Whiner," Izumi sneered.

* * *

The group of epic characters stood outside, breathing in the air that smelled of dead bodies, despite the fact that there were no dead bodies outside, which would contribute to foul-smelling air, if there WERE dead bodies, which there weren't, because, goddammit, NO ONE DIED.

"So, Al," said Ed. "How's this story of yours go, again?"

"Well..." Al began. "The princess pricked her finger, and then everyone in the castle fell asleep... And then a prince came and kissed her lifeless face and everyone woke up. The end."

"That sounds simple enough," said Ed. "Let's go find a sleeping princess to kiss!"

"But this is Amestris," Al said. "There isn't a princess. So I'll have to kiss the princess of a different country."

"Whoa, whoa, hold it," said Ed. Ed and Al were the only people talking because all the other characters were distracted by something distracting. "What do you mean "I"?"

"Well, I'm the one who's always paired with Mei. She's the only princess in out plot. So _I_ should be the one to kiss her."

"No fair! You don't even have a mouth!"

"So _you_ want to kiss Mei?"

"Ew, gross, no. She's, like, eight."

"No she's not--"

"Anyways, if it doesn't matter what country she's a princess of, I don't see why it would even matter if she's a princess at all. So, in theory, ANY of us could kiss ANY girl we see! But instead, we have to make the kiss meaningful and worthwhile by hunting down a Significant Sleeping Woman!"

Of course, this brought up the question of Who Should Kiss Who?

"I could find Trisha and kiss her," Hohenheim suggested.

Ed snorted. "Great, so you're a walking plothole AND a necrophiliac?"

"I could kiss Riza," Roy said, sounding unusually dejected and upset. "She's the only worthwhile in my pitiful life."

"Stop whining."

"I could kiss Mei..."

"Nah, I think it'd be best if I kissed Winry," said Ed. "After all, we ARE the most popular pairing of this fandom."

"Incorrect," said Izumi. "The most popular pairing is RoyEd."

"I'm not kissing Roy."

"Aw," said Roy. "Why not?"

"You aren't asleep. I only kiss you when you're asleep."

"What?"

"Yeah, it's pretty sexy." ("Wow," you say. "Is this... yaoi fanservice?" No, it's not. Stop talking.)

* * *

So, instead of putting up a fight, the other male characters agreed to Ed's idea and they went on their way.

Because of Mird's procrastination, which resulted in a strict deadline, she had to cut out the most interesting part of the story. Instead, she used Hohenheim's magical plot-hole-creating powers to make all the trains in the country operate perfectly, despite the lack of anyone who possessed the knowledge necessary to make it, like, work and stuff.

In other words, they got to Resembool before chapter 105 came out. Be grateful.

Ed and Al led the way down the familiar dirt road, not at all bothered by the limp bodies of their childhood friends that littered the path.

Roy, Hohenheim, and Izumi followed them. Roy continued to angst about his TERRIBLE life and how TERRIBLE it is to be blind, which it likely is, but this is a parody, and angst is _extremely_ annoying, so I'd appreciate it if he'd shut up.

Roy was shot down by a pigeon that pooped explosives. Hurrah!

"I'm... D-dying..." Roy wheezed.

Izumi kicked him and the group continued onward towards the Rockbell house.

Ed and Al kicked down the door because they're Winry's friends, and friends are allowed to come in uninvited.

All four of them (Roy's dead body had been abandoned outside a few minutes earlier) entered the house and (subliminal message: this story is so lame) went down the stairs to the basement where *GASP GASP WHERE ARE THE COMMAS?* they saw Winry's limp (didn't I already use the adjective?) body lying on the floor, her wrench a few (I'm sick of this sentence already) inches from her fingers.

"So... What do I do?"

"Um... I don't know... Just kiss her."

"But I'm Ed and she's Winry."

"Yeah. I know."

"Making it EdWin."

"Uh huh."

"That means... there has to be long, awkward set-up before the kiss..."

"I think this counts as long, awkward set-up. Kiss her."

"M'kay." Ed kissed Winry. His kiss was so obnoxious that it woke up everyone in the country. (2) The End.

* * *

**(1) "Hohenheim is a walking plothole." –Camille**

**(2) "Actually, guys, I kind of like the idea that like everything else about Edward Elric, his kiss is so obnoxious that it wakes up ten million Amestrians. Now that's the kind of guy you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with."**

**-AA**

**Poorly executed, but whatever. Like I said, the deadline hates me.**

**Also, in case you're lame and didn't know this already, Invader Zim is being shown on TV again for the month of March. Sadly, I don't have the channel. Pity me and stuff.**

**Anyways. Whoever names the Zim reference (besides Camille…) first wins, like, something.**


End file.
